a girl worth fighting for...

Today LDC performed for the university faculty. Every year the Institute hosts a luncheon for the UVU teachers and employees, and somehow LDC always ends up performing something to fit the theme of the event. Last year we didn't find out until the day before. Brother Eggett came into choir and said, "In a moment of weakness I may or may not have volunteered you all to put on a pirate musical. Tomorrow." So we did it! And it was rather fun.

This year we performed again, only we knew about it about a week in advance. The theme this year had something to do with China, and so we dragged out the kimonos and fans and created a mini production of the Disney movie Mulan. I don't know why the guys have the best songs in that movie. It's about a girl, for heaven's sake!

While I was waiting to perform the "show" a second time, one of the guys in choir came and sat next to me. I'll describe him to you: tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, talented, kind, hilarious, with a smile that stops your heart while simultaneously making you feel like you've just run a marathon. Aka, the kind of guy a girl like me tries desperately NOT to fall head over heals for. He's the only person I've ever met who I cannot look at while I'm frantically trying to form an intelligent sentence. I'll stare at my knees, his shoes, the floor, anything other than that face with the devastating smile. He's also the only man who upon meeting has caused me to forget my own name (true story).

So anyway, this is the guy who comes and sits by me and asks me if I'm okay. I wasn't, because I was really sad and feeling all mixed-up inside, but I didn't want to talk about it for fear of crying and smudging my carefully prepared, very black eyeliner. And then when I explained that, he did the unthinkable: he HUGGED me. And not just a hug: a hold. A longer than 10 second near cuddle while he told me that he'll be there for me anytime I need and that I shouldn't be a stranger because we're friends, and friends help each other when they need it.

When he put his arms around me, I was terrified. Boys do not touch me. I don't like it, and I don't want it. Then he pulled me close and I was even more afraid. For one my face was on fire and I was afraid he'd see it. For another, I didn't want to be that close to someone, anyone. Here's why: the last time I was held by someone of the opposite sex, I was scared of him. The feeling was totally and completely wrong. I hated the way it felt, and I wanted to get away from him, but he wouldn't let me go.

That was what I expected today, and I was immediately ready to run away. Then I realized...the feeling was completely different. With this friend from choir, I wasn't an object of gratification. I wasn't a toy to be used. I was a person, a girl with feelings and thoughts, and he was only showing me that he cared. He wasn't trying to scare me or threaten me. He was being a friend. It's been so long since I felt that around a guy that I didn't even recognize it. It was so weird to go from feeling afraid to completely relaxed, to actually enjoy being shown friendship through a physical touch.

I don't want to be scared anymore. I am, I'll admit it. But I don't want to be. I want to ENJOY choir. I want to keep the close friends I have and to make close relationships with new friends. I want to be able to love others and to trust them and to show them that I care. I want to do for others what my friend did for me, reminding me that there are good, honest, kind people out there.

I want to be a girl worth fighting for. I want to be respected and loved, really loved. I want other girls to feel that way, because they should feel that way. No woman should ever be afraid of what a man might do. No woman should ever feel threatened or used or frightened. She is to be fought for and cared for, not used and dumped aside like a toy that has lost its shine.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm going to make it better than I made today.

i don't hate you...

If I could write a letter to Choir (not to the members, just the Choir), I would. And I did. And it made me feel a little bit better about it, even though I'm still really struggling right now. I don't mean to struggle. I shouldn't struggle. It's LDC, after all. But I am.

Dear LDC Choir,

I don't hate you. I don't hate being a part of you. Some days I just don't want to be in class. Some days I dislike having to constantly put up a brave face, when in reality I am more than a millimeter away from running out of the room in tears and never coming back. I don't hate being in class. Some times I just don't want to.

I don't hate the people who are a part of you, Choir. In fact, I love most of them and like the rest, seeing as I haven't really gotten a chance to begin to love them. It's still too early for that in some ways. However, though I have many, many friends, sometimes I don't want to be around them. If you didn't make it so vital to be in class every day, if it weren't so important to make friends and be polite and kind to everyone, if, if, if.

Choir, I won't leave. I know it isn't time to leave right now. I just wish things were easier. Nothing is ever supposed to be easy. Nothing ever will be easy. Life isn't like that. But I wish I were better at being a member of choir. I wish I felt better. And, secretly, I wish that people didn't talk to me. I wish people didn't expect things of me. I wish I could just be told what to do, to be allowed to be a follower. Why do you keep making me be a leader, Choir, huh? I'm NOT A LEADER. That's obvious.

Dear Choir, you've changed my life. You've saved my life. I'm grateful for that. I'll try to be good, and to be cheerful. Just give me time, okay? That's all I ask.

Thanks,
GKB

PS If you haven't already, check out my other writing spot.

fireside...

It's interesting to me how names tend to stick. A fireside is no longer a legit fireside. Unless, of course, you go to a canyon and use one of the city installed fire pits, bringing wood you bought at a gas station that's wrapped in plastic, and a gallon of gasoline to get the wood wet so you can light it with one match. And the fixings for s'mores and three or four bags of Starbursts to roast. Then you've got a fireside.

But that doesn't happen very often. A fireside now just takes place in the evening when you could have a fire because it's dark and a little chilly, but since they're normally in buildings you'd bring the Fire Marshall running with a fighting crew and a massive pile of paperwork, including at least one rather large ticket.

No bueno.

Tonight's fireside was very good. I highly enjoyed it, even though there was a rather horrific mistake (if you were listening for mistakes) during "I Stand All Amazed" among many members of my section. We are so fixing that tomorrow! However, it was really good to sing for Matthew Holland, president of the university. He's one of our biggest fans, and he's super nice. Not only that, but he's a great speaker. Really great.

His topic tonight was about being in the world but not of the world. His definition of "of the world" went something like this: searching and using the easiest, flashiest, most glamorous way possible to do things to gain power, popularity, or fortune with no intent to serve anyone but yourself. To be "in the world": doing the work of the world, such as gaining education; pursuing a career; creating a family; serving in the community; not for personal gain but to bring honor to the church, glory to the Lord, and to bless the lives of others.

I thought it was interesting, how different the two things are, and it comes down to this main point: one way of living serves you, and the other way of living serves others. Being of the world is to embrace it wholeheartedly, not caring if it's right or wrong, but only caring if it benefits yourself (whether or not it does in the long run). Being in the world is to embrace others, to make yourself better so you can help others. So very different.

Another great thing about President Holland is that he always tells funny stories. He tells serious ones, too, but the funny ones are always hilarious. I'll share one in closing:

‎21 year old girl: "All of my friends are getting married!!"
Grad student: "All of my friends are getting divorced."
Elderly couple: "Well, all of our friends are dying."

Puts life into perspective, doesn't it?

following the leader...

I am not prone to lead. People tell me that I'm a natural leader, but personally I'd rather just let someone else be in charge. It's so much easier and causes less stress to be told what to do, rather than being the one to do the telling.

However, I am not to sit back and be told what to do this semester. This semester I have been given the assignment to be the section leader for the sopranos in choir. In some ways I wasn't really surprised; last week I had made a comment to the section about a line of music that the majority of us weren't getting, and as soon as the line was fixed I just had a feeling that I'd be on the list for potential section leader. So when Teddy talked to me about it, it wasn't a major shock.

This is going to be a little bit interesting. There are some girls who are quite eager to do my job for me. I guess that makes my life a little easier, but at the same time it's frustrating. I want to do the best job I can do, and it's hard when other people are competing to do it as well. It'll work out though. Today was quite a bit better. I had to step up and speak out right away, instead of waiting like I usually do.

The best part of this is that I get to know the girls in my section. A scary part of this is that because I want the music to sound good and I want us to work together, I'm afraid that I'll come across as bossy or arrogant or annoying. I want the girls to like me, and I want them to know that I'm their friend. Balance. Gotta find the balance.

Section leader. Me, who knows less than half a drop in a gallon bucket about music. How funny. I'm kind of excited.

we're back, baby...

LDC has hit the ground not just running, but racing full-steam ahead. We're already learning and memorizing songs, performing, and getting set for a Christmas show that is sure to be fantabularifical. I am super, super, super excited about it!

I am so excited about all of the new people in the choir. More than half of the slots are filled by people who are either coming back (from missions and such) or who auditioned two weeks ago. There are so many new faces, names, and stories in the classroom! It's exciting (and slightly terrifying), and I can't wait to get to know each one of them. Surprisingly it's easier this year for me to remember names. Maybe it's because I only have to learn 35 instead of 70...haha!

So far it's great. We're learning music, we're learning gospel principles, we're learning each other. There are 35 new people in my life for me to become friends with, and who I know I will begin to love with all of my heart. You can't be in LDC and not love the people you sing with.

It's going to be one heck of an amazing journey this semester. I truly hope I'm up for it! Gonna have to be...I'll tell you why later. :)

audition process...

So! The auditioning is going farely well. The DVD is all set and ready to mail. I finally picked two songs and a monologue. The upbeat song, "Wonderful, Wonderful Day" from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers went pretty well. The ballad, "God Help the Outcasts" from The Hunchback of Notre Dame was a bit harder, because of the emotion you have to play throughout the song. Sometimes I was playing it too defensively. That's the beauty of a DVD audition: you can stop the camera and roll another take!

Now it's on to a photo shoot (ugh) for headshots to go with the audition packet, then filling out the packet itself. After that, it's all set to go to SLC! I hope it works out. But if not, I guess I've got nothing to lose except postage money. And that's nothing compared to what I have to pay for gas. :P

Speaking of auditions...LDC is back in session!! The auditions were on Thursday and Friday of last week. Thank heavens I didn't have to try out again (once you're in, you're in...unless you get married or you "graduate" after three years. Then you're kicked out). Hearing all of those singers who auditioned, I don't know if I would have made it into the choir! There were so many good voices. I'm glad I don't have to pick who will get in!

a taste of tour...

There is way too much to write about concerning choir tour. I've been trying to write it all down in a condensed version for a couple of weeks, but it's not working.


Can I just say that choir tour was beyond incredible? It was hard—some days I was so exhausted that I could barely function. That’s how everyone was at some point on tour. However, it was absolutely worth it. We met so many people. We played with kids at the high schools, we sang for them, and we definitely got them excited about Institute. We played with one another, too. From our Academy Awards night for tour videos to our family night when the parents came to our trip to Salt Lake, we had fun together. We really are like a family, and we definitely put the fun in dysfunctional. It’s the best ever!


Something else we did: we sang for each other. One of the most incredible moments we had on tour was on Thursday afternoon. Technically it was the last time all of us would sing together for an audience. It was a just small group of students and teachers who were in the building after school for a class, some of our leaders and faculty from the Institute, and the choir members. As we sang, the whole room was just full of love and friendship. We were singing for each other. It was amazing. All of us were crying (or almost all of us). I was doing okay until I looked at the third years, the ones who have “graduated” from LDC. I realized that this was the last time we’d sing together, and I totally lost whatever composure I had managed to hang onto.


I love the people in LDC. They are my best friends. They’re my adopted brothers and sisters. Each one of them has an amazing story, and sets an amazing example for everyone that they meet. This has been one of the best (and hardest) years of my life, and it’s because of all of the wonderful people I’ve met through the choir. This summer has already been the longest I’ve ever had…and it hasn’t even been two weeks since choir ended! Thank goodness for our inability to stay away from each other—we keep having parties and planning things for the future. And thank goodness for the CD that we recorded!


I know that it isn’t really over. We’ll always be friends. What’s hard is that we won’t sing together anymore. I get to go back to the choir next year; I still have two years left. But my friends who are all finished and moving on with their lives? It’ll be weird not seeing them every single day and more. There are also a lot of first and second years that aren’t coming back; they’re moving on with their lives. Some are engaged, like Kenna and David, Daniel, and Lindsey. Some are just focusing more on school, like Erin. Others are taking a break, like Emilyann. I wonder what it will be like next year, with so many new faces and stories.

and it starts...

Drama. You get it in every group, no matter the type. I've just been super frustrated lately with some things that have gone on in LDC. Tour is going to be interesting, because the girl I am now working with got really upset at me last week about something I had no control over. She (and many others, including me) has been really bothered that a few students don't seem to care about their involvement in the choir. People don't show up to rehearsals or performances, miss classes, come late to everything. Yes, I know that some people have legit reasons. Others? It's just frustrating! However, this girl kind of let me have it.

She asked me if I was going to be able to go to a tour committee meeting on Friday morning so that we could talk to the tour president and the rest of the choir about our assignment. When I found out what time it was at, I told her I wouldn't be able to go because of a review that was scheduled for the same time for my college algebra final. She got super upset and said how people in the choir were so irresponsible and that they should just figure out their personal issues or quit.

It really hurt, what she said. I've missed two choir classes the entire year due to illness. I've been late to class once. I've missed one devotional. I've missed one performance at a fireside, and that was because our choir president and another girl sent me home because I was a nervous wreck. I've done my absolute best, and she let me have it because I couldn't go to one tour meeting.

I ended up going, but I was late. She didn't talk to me, but she did smile. I hope everything ends up being okay, since we're working together. I guess I'll just keep my mouth shut the whole time and follow any directions that she gives me. It'll keep things from being a problem, and it'll keep me from saying something stupid.

another opening, another show...

It's that time again! LDC is putting on the spring semester show this weekend. It's going to be awesome! I'm super excited for it (just hoping it will all come together asap...)! Here is the poster created by our amazing Lindsey!

THE FAMILY: A PROCLAMATION TO THE WORLD

Our show is all about the family, hence the awesome name. :)

singers are friends...

...not food...

LDC Christmas INSANITY!!

We performed SO MUCH this past semester, I can barely believe it. We were able to sing with Michael McLean as he performed "The Forgotten Carols" and with Lex de Azevedo as he performed his "Gloria! The Life of Christ" with several talented (aka George Dyer) singers. We also were able to sing in Salt Lake City at several venues, one of which we were recorded at and were put on the local radio. Last but not least (and probably the most incredible experience) we performed our own show, "Amazing Grace". It was truly wonderful and I loved it, despite all of the stress, tears, and nights where I was scared to death to sleep because I kept dreaming about failing everything.

Here are some pictures from these events!

On our way to Salt Lake!

"The Forgotten Carols"

"Amazing Grace"

what i'm doing now...

I auditioned for the Latter-Day Celebration Choir (LDC) at the university I go to. The Institute program, which is like a religious center for instruction and FUN (really, it's fun) has this choir. LDC performs at meetings and puts on shows in the winter and spring. To get to the point, I made it in!! I'm singing first soprano. There are currently about 65-70 people in the choir, I can't remember the last count. I am totally loving it.

The first few days were hard. Choir Retreat was scary too...I didn't know anyone and I'm one of the youngest girls in the choir. They usually don't take just graduated high school students. However it gets better and better every single day. I look forward to class more than anything during the week, even Friday.

Latter-Day Celebration

(This was taken at Retreat. It is, as you can see, a very candid photo. We'll use it as a thank you for people who invite us to perform. Aren't we awesome? :) )

I am so excited to be in this choir. You have absolutely no idea.

this week...

Tuesday:

• A Cappella rehearsal 7:45 am-9:50am
• Soprano costume check (mine aren't done...I'm just too blasted short)
  
• "Grease" rehearsal lunchtime
• "West Side Story: Amereeca" rehearsal 2:30-3:30 pm
• Preshow character rehearsal 2:30-3:00pm

Wednesday:

• A Cappella rehearsal 7:45 am-9:50am

Thursday:

• A Cappella rehearsal 7:45 am-9:50am
• "West Side Story: Amereeca" rehearsal 2:30-4:00pm
  

Friday:

• No school
  
• Specialty numbers rehearsal ("Grease") 1:00-3:00pm

Saturday:

• Tech rehearsal 9:00am-1:00pm (not required but extra credit which I need)

Oh, boy. I'm scared.

she likes it...

The costumes were due today. I only had one to bring; my neighbor did a beautiful job on the "Grease" skirt and it totally fits perfectly. I'm finishing it up the hem and the waist band to make sure it's the right length and stuff, and I kind of know how to do that. So today I took the skirt and the white blouse I found to go with it, feeling overwhelmed and nervous because the other one is just getting started and afraid that I'd be in trouble.

On the contrary, Mrs. Wilde (the costume mistress for the whole show) was very pleased, especially when her daughter told her that I have no experience whatsoever with this (8th grade does not count; we didn't even cut out patterns. They were all ready finished and then my friend helped me do all the rest because I was so confused). She agreed when I said I was taking about 6 inches off of the skirt (yep...I'm short) so it would hit mid-calf, and she loves the idea of wearing a fluffy petticoat underneath (thank you PCT costume closet). She also loved the blouse and asked where I got it so she could tell other girls in choir.

Then I told her about the Anita costume: dark purple with glittery pinkish sparkles all over it, a medium full skirt, and a tie around the waist that makes a big bow in the front. Then there's going to be gold drop earrings, a gold necklace, my hair curled with half up half down (that was her idea; she told me "it's too gorgeous to hide in a bun!! We're keeping it visible, girl!!") and possibly a flower in my hair, like a yellow lily or big white carnation or something. Not red, it'd look funny with the purple fabric.

So, yeah. Mrs. Wilde seems happy, and she said she is really glad that I've taken it so seriously. A lot of people haven't even started looking for costumes, and some of the stuff people have found is way too modern because they didn't do the costume research assignment. I didn't really need to; my family is so into theatre that all of that just seems to come naturally.

This is working out. It's freaking hard, but it's coming together.