i don't hate you...

If I could write a letter to Choir (not to the members, just the Choir), I would. And I did. And it made me feel a little bit better about it, even though I'm still really struggling right now. I don't mean to struggle. I shouldn't struggle. It's LDC, after all. But I am.

Dear LDC Choir,

I don't hate you. I don't hate being a part of you. Some days I just don't want to be in class. Some days I dislike having to constantly put up a brave face, when in reality I am more than a millimeter away from running out of the room in tears and never coming back. I don't hate being in class. Some times I just don't want to.

I don't hate the people who are a part of you, Choir. In fact, I love most of them and like the rest, seeing as I haven't really gotten a chance to begin to love them. It's still too early for that in some ways. However, though I have many, many friends, sometimes I don't want to be around them. If you didn't make it so vital to be in class every day, if it weren't so important to make friends and be polite and kind to everyone, if, if, if.

Choir, I won't leave. I know it isn't time to leave right now. I just wish things were easier. Nothing is ever supposed to be easy. Nothing ever will be easy. Life isn't like that. But I wish I were better at being a member of choir. I wish I felt better. And, secretly, I wish that people didn't talk to me. I wish people didn't expect things of me. I wish I could just be told what to do, to be allowed to be a follower. Why do you keep making me be a leader, Choir, huh? I'm NOT A LEADER. That's obvious.

Dear Choir, you've changed my life. You've saved my life. I'm grateful for that. I'll try to be good, and to be cheerful. Just give me time, okay? That's all I ask.

Thanks,
GKB

PS If you haven't already, check out my other writing spot.